At first glance, when I awake, look out the window, and see this dreariness, I know instantly the mood for the day. Somehow my inner agenda gets dictated whether I like it or not. I must decide how to move through the maze of the day, and wait for something to ignite a spark of excitement within. But it's not long before I am embracing the day and finding unexpected delights that will become new treasures.
I am a pretty intense day dreamer. During my elementary school days, I earned the title "statue" from a teacher who couldn't figure out why I was so ridiculously bored in her classroom. I didn't take that as a compliment either, and never did share with her why I was so disconnected in class. In those days, during my younger years, I had a lot to sort out in my mind, and my teachers would not be privy to my thoughts!
But now that I look back, I was sizing up my identity and self worth, based on all my peers. I came to the stark realization that not every household was as miserable as mine! Hence the dreaming started. I imagined what life was like in happy homes, where everyone smiled and laughed. Whenever we attended school functions, I noticed families that actually looked liked they enjoyed being together. What did that feel like, to carry around the continual approval and acceptance from your parents? My imagination soon became one fantasy after another as I set up a pretend world in my mind where everything was going to be ok... and I would be special. My remaining teen years proved to be a quest in search of this dream, and I latched on to anything and anyone who might bring me closer to this reality. The chapters of my life that were written during that time are not ones I want to remember, however, but in the long run, played a very significant role in how I would emerge later in life.
Coming from an upbringing that kept empty and meaningless parameters around my existence, I was forced to create lots of fun things in my imagination. At any time I could go to the secret hiding place in my mind where I could make anything happen. I knew that the journey through my remaining years at home would be done solo; without my presence ever having any significance to those around me. It was very lonely and lifeless, most, if not all the time, and yet the foundation for my creativity was beginning to take shape.
I imagined all sorts of things; beautiful things, romantic things, funny things, meaningful things, and personal things that would someday become a part of my story. The sad part was that I did not discover this wealth of individuality soon enough. My dreams had no outlet, until after I moved out, and for the first time, I experienced a freedom that erupted as I started to develop my own interests and passions. Dreaming became the fuel I need to get a thought or a feeling into a reality; whether it be a relationship or a project.
So, it's on these dreary days when my mind gets carried away and lost in a fantasy of beauty waiting to happen. There is the jolt of thrill that accompanies these moments, when an idea is captured and created in my mind. Anticipating how it might become something tangible starts the process of creating something from nothing.
Feeling alone for so many years set the stage for a whole new world to open up within. I could not, and would not, repeat the events that lead to now, but when one ponders that creating involves a process of starting with nothing, and watching it turn into a mural of passion and delight, I can better understand why God allows certain things to play out the way they do. Understanding this truth has opened the door to endless possibilities!
I am so thankful for the quiet moments that stir my thoughts and make ideas come alive. It's exhilarating and gives me the momentum to get busy! What a priceless gift to watch what becomes of them!
For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end - it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3
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